Lobo, Don Pancho's, The Guild

Want even more surrealism? A German friend phoned to ask where the master materials of Caligula were stored. I was surprised he didn’t know, and so I told him: Iron Mountain in Hollywood. He told Kelly Holland, the new Penthouse owner, Kelly called Iron Mountain, and Iron Mountain called her back saying that, yes, they had tons of Caligula material that they were preparing to destroy because the rent was four months overdue. (Here’s a movie about the adventure, with all mention of me deleted, at my insistence.) Kelly immediately paid, learned about me, and wanted to chat. She gave me the key to the office, granting me permission to copy anything related to Caligula, and she was so impressed with my research that she hired me to help with a series of books and with a movie script on Bob Guccione’s life, to be based on research I had done. In no time flat, she talked with Luc Besson about directing it, and he seemed interested. She also wanted to pay Tinto Brass to supervise a new edit of the movie, one true to his vision. So, greatly to my surprise, I found myself working there. Penthouse came to me; I didn’t go to Penthouse. I would never have gone to Penthouse. Shortly after being hired, I had to laugh when Kelly told me that she had just purchased Danni.com. I said, almost in disbelief, “You own Danni.com?” Then I started chuckling, and couldn’t stop. She was confused, saying, “You don’t strike me as the sort of person who would be familiar with Danni.com.” She was right. To this day, I have never seen Danni.com, and I have no interest in seeing it. “Oh, yes,” I chuckled, “I know about it,” and so I told her who my first boss was. She had to think for a moment, and I could sense the gears in her mind slowly turning, trying to pull up a vague memory. She slowly got out the words, “Isn’t he the husband of...?” “Yes,” I chuckled. Anyway, nothing ever happened with paying Tinto, or with getting Caligula properly restored, or with the script, or with the series of books. Why? Simple: A few weeks later, the bellicose, pugnacious, obnoxious Penthouse lawyer made sure I left and would never return. The lawyer wanted none of these projects to happen, and so none of these projects happened. After I was pressured out, Kelly got maneuvered out too. The new owners, just to be jerks, quickly decided that they are enemies of Tinto and of his film, and thanks to their unconscionable trickery, Tinto now seems to think I’m his enemy too. There is also some indication that the postsynch was all destroyed in the interim. If true, that would render a proper restoration absolutely impossible. Oy vey. Same story same old same story old same old same old story all over again all over again all over again as I never never never never never learn and get sucked up into the same same same same vortex over and over and over and over and in the whirlpool spin I round and round and round and round and round....